So after New Year’s Eve, when my anxiety was really high and so I didn’t end up doing anything with friends, I was feeling a bit down. And that’s where it can get dangerous. Because I, and I’m sure this is true for many others with anxiety and depression, I get into this cycle. I don’t see friends, so I start to resent them, and make up reasons why they haven’t spoken to me in a while, and yet I’m not messaging them either, I’m being just as radio silent as they are. Yet, somehow in my head it’s all their fault? It doesn’t make sense, but then when there is a group event, I don’t go, because I’m mad at them for absolutely nothing. And so I don’t see them for a while, I feel left out and out of the loop and don’t give any reason for not going, I just ignore group messages and then get extremely upset when group events are made and I’m not invited. Or I’m invited to a Facebook event and I find it was made two weeks earlier, but someones only just thought to invite me now. Because I’ve been so silent and made myself forgettable.
And I feel like I’ve only got myself to blame. I feel like I want to mope and not make the first move, or initiate a group outing. But it’s a weird friend dynamic where if I were to ask one of my friendship group from school to go out and do something, the whole group would end up being invited. It’s that sort of group. But then I also know that there are times when only a couple of others go out together, and not the whole group is invited. And it’s because I don’t have a best friend. I had a best friend within our big school group, but we left school and grew apart, and we’re still friends. We’re all still friends. But we’re not best friends anymore.
I don’t think I have anyone I’d call a best friend anymore. And that saddens me and makes me feel more alone than any time I wish for someone to be romantic or intimate with. More than anything, I want a best friend again.
But that’s never going to happen if I can’t accept that dynamics change and people grow apart and that I need to pull my weight in friendships too.
And so I was the first to message some friends on Facebook, just for a meaningless chat. But I also asked a friend to the cinema. I am trying to be proactive in my friendships. When I was really depressed and isolating myself last year, when my mam had to intervene because I was so down and lonely and talk me into going to the doctors, ‘proactive’ was one word I remember her using that has stuck with me.
I need to drag myself out of this depressive, potentially dangerous mood and cycle, and get on with life, making the most out of the friendships that I have and doing my best to make new exciting and strong connections with new people. I’m not good with new people. In fact, I’m terrible. But this year, I’m sure as hell going to try.