(Friday the 13th must have had some effect, as it’s the first day I didn’t manage to post anything on time! Oops, sorry for being a day late!)
Lately I have been feeling like I want to ‘Adult.’
In context, I live at home (and still rely on my mam for quite a bit actually) and don’t feel like I’ve reached that young professional, got my life together moment yet (does anyone actually ever feel like they’ve reached that? Probably not…)
I still live at home because I don’t make that much money. I pay board to my mam, bills for things such as phone, Netflix, etc, and always put some of my paycheck into a savings account. And I’m lucky that I can live at home and commute to a job that I (fairly) like, that my mams not nagging me to move out, that I get on well with my mam.
But recently, I feel like I want to put my Big Girl shoes on. I have this image in my head of finding a job that I adore, and making a bit more money, of feeling satisfied when I come home after a day at work. Where I come home, in my own car (which is the only bit I already have) to my own place (whether I’m living with someone else or not is undecided in this ideal image) and my cat (that’s a definite) and put on some music or TV and wander round the house/flat in comfy clothes making tea, and having everything in its own place where I want it, adorning it with my own home comforts and nik-naks.
This is all an idealised image I have in my head, and I realise that I would probably soon get fed up of having to keep on top of housework and shopping all that adult stuff, but I also feel like I’m ready to move on to that next stage of my life.
But then I think of what I would leave behind. And I don’t mean all the home comforts that I get from living with my mam (although I would miss them massively), and the cat and the dog, but I mean my mam. My dad died when I was younger, and although me and my brother have both moved out to university, the timing was always so that there was always one of us at home at a time. Then my brother moved out properly, and now it’s just me and my mam and the pets. And while I know she’d be fine on her own, and there’s the possibility that my grandparents are going to be moving in with us soon (although they both have dementia and looking after the both of them is going to be incredibly difficult) I can’t help feeling that if I were to move out anytime soon, I would be leaving her all by herself. And I really don’t want to do that. There’s no pressure from her to move out, or to stay at home for any length of time, but I just know that when the time does come around I’ll be weighted down with this feeling of guilt. And she would never stop me from money out – heck, she’s even been pushing me to make some proper ‘what do you want to do with your life’ decisions and mentioned that one day I am going to move out.
It’s a big step, but I feel ready to make it, and the idea of having my own house is so exciting to me. I guess now I just really do need to decide what I’m going to do with my life….