Today has been a nice day. I woke up early (which wasn’t nice as it wasn’t by choice – thanks to the cat -_- ), had a long walk with my mam and dog to see my grandparents, had a quick nip out in the car to fill up with petrol, then have spent the day eating Christmas sweets and reading.
And that’s kind of how I want to go into next year – with a full tank, eating nice stuff, being outside in nature, and reading good books. And being surrounded by all my favourite people.
Unfortunately, that’s not how I’m spending tonight. I’m not bothered that I’m staying in watching Harry Potter on TV and seeing in the new year with my mam – that’s if either of us can stay awake. I’m fine with that. I’m not a big fan of New Year, or, to be honest, social situations anyway.
But it does sting a bit when your friends are all together having fun and you’re not there. And I could be there. If it wasn’t for anxiety.
For quite a while I felt like I was doing so much better than last winter. For reference, I had a really bad mental health year last year and the year before, went on antidepressants in April/May of this year, and have felt a million times better overall. But there’s definitely something seasonal about my depression, and I’ve really felt the difference from how much better I felt in summer to now. I still feel better than last winter, but recently some bad thoughts and feelings have been creeping their way back into everyday life.
Normally, just the mere thought of social situations exhausts me. But recently I have been craving a close friendship with someone. Someone to text non-stop about everything and nothing, to spend meaningless time with just watching TV or going for food where it’s not always made into a big deal event. I was casualness but I also want closeness. I don’t feel like I have a ‘best friend’ anymore. And that saddens me. But I know it’s mainly my fault. I had the chance to go out tonight. I have the opportunity to send my friends a message and say ‘hey, lets go for food’ or something like that.
But it’s hard.
I’m always terrified of being the one to make the first move, send the initiating message and try to get the ball rolling. Whenever I don’t see my friends for a while, my head gets a little mixed up about how I feel about them, and I start to get resentful feelings for no reason. I think about the time they tried to organise a night out on the night of my birthday without any of my numerous friends who I’d known for ten years realising that it was my birthday. I think about the time I got invited to a Facebook event for something that had been two weeks previous and I was the last to know, invited as a last minute thought. And I know that when you make Facebook events its hard to remember to invite everyone, and I know that people lost touch s bit as you leave school and go off to do your own things, but the only thing I can think of when these things happen is that this doesn’t happen to any of our other friends. It feels petty to hold onto these things but I do, and it’s ruining friendships. The few friendships I have.
I desperately want to make new friends, and people that I’m super close to, that know me really well and who understand my anxiety. But obviously, my anxiety makes that really hard.
There’s not really much point to this post, other than lonely ramblings. I hope to work on my social anxiety in 2017. I want to work towards making new friends and connections, and strengthening old ones. I want to work on myself, and hopefully not let this illness control my life.
Hope you all have a lovely new years eve, and I’ll be checking in tomorrow with my 2017 plans for this blog